Let’s give a big welcome…Y’all signed those waivers, right?…let’s give a big Cisco Blahnik’s Cisplatin Club welcome to the King of Cancerland comedy himself…Mister Metastasis…that walking radiation treatment…Shecky…Carcinoma…Carson.
Come on out, Shecky!
Hey, hey, hey. Thank you, Bobby. Bobby Balloo, folks. He’s as cute as a basal cell, ain’t he? You’re lookin’ good there, Bob. Like something one of my grandkids made with soda straws and a hairball. Nah, c’mon. I only say that cause I love ya. And cause it’s true. Waddaya weigh now, fifty, sixty? Is it too late to get your money back? Lemme know what kinda treatment you’re getting, huh — so I can decline it.
And how are you folks doin’? Me, I’m good. No, really. Slept like a baby last night…in my own shit. You too, huh? Come on, I can see it in your face. Nothin’ to be ashamed of. Ya gotta have a sense of humor, right? Too bad you left yours home.
Man, I’m dying’ out here. But so are the rest of you, right? Huh? Huh? That a laugh, lady, or you havin’ an attack? We got nurses standing by, just shake your IV bags if you need ’em.
Yo, you, Sporty. With the arms like chopsticks. How come you got your iPod in your nose? Oh, wait, no, that’s an oxygen line, huh. How am I to know? Everybody’s walking around now with the EmPeeThrees and the Bluetooth phones and all that other kind of digital crap. Your player could be green metal and shaped like a torpedo, right? Like maybe it’s an iSmell you put in your nose, you know? Other people listen to music, you’re sniffin’ the flowers. Why not, right? Age a miracles and all that.
Doctor says to me, says, Shecky, I think you better put your affairs in order. I says, Sure, Doc. No biggie. First was Linda Grabstein, tenth grade, under the boardwalk at Coney Island. Second was Rose Fugazi in a back room of her father’s funeral parlor in Bensonhurst. There was an extra stiff there that day, if ya catch my drift. Third was a tall chick I met at party, didn’t get her name but I did get the clap. Fourth…
Wow, you’re a tough crowd, even for hulks and husks. Most places they’re laughin’ to beat the band before I get to number two. But that could be because they get it. And you guys don’t. Doctor says, put your affairs in order.
All right, never mind. We got some hearing loss here tonight. Hey, lady: You know when they say keep it under your hat, they’re not talking about your dead tabby, right? Wuzzat? Oh, it’s a wig. No kidding. You coulda fooled me. Yeah, cause it looks so natural. You see a lot of women with calico-colored hair now, wearin’ it in that jaunty off-center way. Yeah, it’s real popular.
Yo, buddy, you know the guy right next to you at your table? He always like that? We’re talking fixed and dilated here. You want I should call for a gurney or what?
Anyway, waddaya gonna do, huh? Into each life, some rain must fall. And it looks like you’ve had more than your share, bub. Acid rain. Wind-driven. You on chemo or radiation? Say what? Both? God love ya, pal.
So this Cancerlander walks into a bar….